i'm really under

Its been a tough week. How do I start this...

School started this past Tuesday. I started with 20 credits. I added another one the other day, so now I'm up to 21 credits. Most of my classes are back-to-back. The best days for me are Fridays, since I've got only two classes I need to sit in, but, then again, I need to rush home so that I can get onto the third online discussion. I can't say I have a worst day. Yet. The most classes I have in a day would be four. I'll manage to find some time to eat, I think. Trying to be optimistic.

I take the bus everyday, too. It sucks. I don't know why I get carsick on the metro. I don't get carsick riding the campus buses. I don't get carsick in cars. But, everyday I've gotten carsick on the public bus. Such a shame.

I've been really thinking lately. (Thinking is my downfall, I know.) I think I think too highly of myself sometimes. I know I'm not a good person, but I'm not horrible. I'm content with who I am. I'm content with how others see me, too. Like me or hate me; that's up to you. But, I probably like you. I don't dislike people much. I try to be a good person and I try to tolerate people I find annoying at times. I try to think of others. I've been faltering, and I think its my false sense of security that's messing with me.

Wait, no. I think that when you are truly comfortable with yourself is when your true colors are unleashed. Maybe it's just for me. I need to take a step back and re-evaluate myself.

I'm not emo. This is not an emo entry, so don't think like that. Writing these things helps me understand what I see in the mirror everyday. I'm not trying to be tragic; these are statements to help me assess myself.

But, maybe it's not a problem of who I am. Maybe it's a problem of how I see others. Maybe I don't know you as much as I thought. But, that would go back to thinking too highly of myself again. I think I know who you are, but I don't. This is the internet, after all. I don't lie about my name, age or location. But, I do lie at times.

The word 'lie' is too strong. I simply don't say everything.

See, that's when I'm in defensive mode. I hide things from you to protect myself. But, from what, I wonder? Maybe I've been doing it so long it's a nasty habit.

Maybe.

I sound a bit psycho, don't I?

I don't mean to hurt people, and if I've done so to you, don't take it to heart. If I'm someone you don't like anyways, don't feel obligated to speak to me. I want to talk to you because you want to talk to me. That's why I simply don't IM people. I want to talk to you, but how do I know you want to talk to me? I don't want to be a nuisance.

And, it's okay if you don't want to talk to me. If you don't like me, be blunt. I'm a blunt person. Now, this is where most people would say, "If you were my friend, you would know that," but I'm not sure you know who I really am, just like I don't know who you are enough to be able to answer for you.

And, again, it's okay if you don't know me like that, because I know I don't know myself like that sometimes. I know that sometimes I don't let people know me like that, and it's my own fault.

I need a break. Just a semi-hiatus. I think I'll take one and focus more on school. It feels like the right time to. Maybe I'll grow up a bit. Maybe I'll come back knowing myself a bit more. That'll be a good thing for me.

I'm walking in circles, confused. Weak. Embarrassed. Maybe a bit deranged, too. But I'm grateful that people know me and allow me to call them my friend.

Hooray for that.